


I Was So Sure

by TheMysteriousStoryteller



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, Gen, Graphic Description of Self-Harm, Hospitals, Self-Hatred, Suicide, if you...couldnt tell lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-24 11:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21098738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMysteriousStoryteller/pseuds/TheMysteriousStoryteller
Summary: But I fell short.





	I Was So Sure

**Author's Note:**

> What's good! This fic has been in the lab for a few months. Tbh, I think the beginning is really strong, but I'm not too fond of the end. I hope that it's good, but...I don't really think it is, lol. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy! Comments are always appreciated! I apologize in advance for making you guys suffer again! The next fic should be better. Have a good day. :D

_ Breathe.  _

That’s what people say to do when you’re in peril. Just breathe, and everything will feel better. 

However, Matt’s lungs were failing him, and the sterile air of the hospital certainly wasn’t helping. He had been in there for hours, staring at the wall and occasionally watching the cartoons that played on the television. He’d often found himself thinking about how Edd would probably like whatever show was playing, and every time he thought that, his mind would punish him by making his heart ache. He would try to take deep breaths to soothe his body and his mind, but when he did so, his breath would catch in his throat and make him choke on his own air. So, he sat there, silently suffocating and being forced to relive the past few hours over and over again. 

_ It started with a text.  _

_ What started out as a normal night ended up becoming a rescue mission. As Matt had settled down in bed, ready to fall asleep, his phone vibrated. Instinctively, he had grabbed his phone and checked the notification: It was a text from Edd.  _

_ “[thees a knifrs in mevim bleeding hlpe]” _

_ Instantly, Matt was out of his bed and out of the door. He didn’t even take a moment to put shoes on. No, the only things he grabbed were his phone, his car keys, and his glasses. He ran out to his car and jumped inside, quickly putting his glasses on. Once he had done that and stuck the keys in to turn the car on, he sped off to Edd’s house.  _

_ When he got to the house, nothing looked different on the outside. Although, Matt didn’t pay too much attention to that. He opened the door, surprised to find it was unlocked. How reckless. Not taking too much more time to think on it, Matt ran through the house, heading straight to Edd’s room. Opening the door, he was presented with a horrifyingly gruesome sight. _

_ The carpet was stained with blood. The blood splotches vaguely resembled a trail that led directly to Edd’s crumpled up body. When Matt turned on the light and walked closer, he could see the black handle of a kitchen knife sticking out of Edd’s chest. The sight made his stomach flip a few times, but he forced himself to remain strong. He had more important things to do than throw up.  _

_ “Edd!” He yelled, dashing closer to the other. When Edd didn’t reply to that, Matt grabbed his shoulder and shook him. “Edd! Are _ _ — _ _ Are you awake? Are you okay?” When Matt felt Edd try to lean away, he stopped shaking him and fell into silence.  _

_ “S-Stop...stop it…” Edd mumbled. That was all that Matt needed. At the very least, he was still alive; there was still time. Matt scooped Edd up into his arms in a quick, yet gentle manner.  _

_ “We’ll get you to a hospital, buddy. You’re _ _ — _ _ You’re gonna be okay!” Matt reassured Edd as he ran back out to the car and set his friend in the backseat. Edd didn’t know how to tell Matt that that was the exact opposite of what he wanted. Even if he did know, he doubted he had the strength to do so, anyway. The pain in his chest felt so far away, and his gaze was getting a little cloudy. His thoughts were coherent, yet also somehow scrambled. Everything inside of him had become a mess. As Matt drove off, Edd looked out of the window.  _

_ It was a beautiful night. The stars were all out, and the moon shined brightly even though it was only in its crescent form. To Edd, it vaguely resembled a cat’s claw, which made him think about his cats that were still at home. He couldn’t imagine how they felt. When he looked at the stars, he could imagine Tom’s eyes; how they sparkled when he was happy, and how they’d grow dim when he was feeling low. Tom was such a great friend...Edd didn’t deserve someone like him. And Tom didn’t deserve a burden like Edd _ _ — _ _ none of his friends did. Honestly, he hoped that the drive lasted forever, so that he could finally free his friends of his parasitic existence. With that thought in mind, Edd was sure he couldn’t have felt more at peace. _

_ “Matt…” Edd mumbled out without thinking. _

_ “Yeah, Edd?” Matt replied, taking a moment to look back at him. Edd had leaned his head against the window, facing outward toward the window. In the back of Matt’s mind, he wondered if Edd was even sparing him a glance.  _

_ “....I love you…” Edd mumbled a few more things, and Matt could swear he caught the words “my best friend” in there.  _

_ “...You’re gonna be okay.” Matt looked back ahead, seeing the sign for the hospital pass by. “But...I love you too.” He was expecting a, “ha, that’s gay” after that, but was greeted with silence. He pushed himself to go as fast as he legally could, but did occasionally go over the speed limit a few times. However, that didn’t matter to Matt in the moment; the only thing that truly mattered to him in that moment was getting Edd help. He parked his car in the hospital’s parking lot, got out of the car, and opened Edd’s door. He put two fingers to Edd’s neck, feeling the faintest pulse. With the loudest sigh of relief his body could produce, Matt picked him up and sprinted into the hospital.  _

_ As soon as he ran in with a boy that had a knife in his chest in his arms, people immediately swarmed around him. Doctors, nurses, and surgeons were all called and Edd was soon taken out of Matt’s arms.  _

The scenes kept replaying in his head like a twisted slideshow. He stared down at his hands. Even though he had washed them after Edd was taken, he could still feel the stickiness of the blood cling to his skin. After all, it had stained his shirt. His eyes slowly moved down to stare at his shirt. The red stains were now brown. 

Looking back up, he caught the familiar sight of Edd’s brother, Felix, pacing around in front of the chairs, holding his cell phone to his ear. He pinched the bridge of his nose, lowering his phone after a few seconds. Matt could faintly hear a voice talking about leaving a voicemail. 

“I can’t  _ believe  _ it,” Felix hissed, his teeth gritting together. “They still haven’t picked up! You’d think after the 10th time their son calls in the span of 20 minutes, they’d think ‘hey, maybe something’s wrong’!” 

“They’re probably busy with work,” Matt muttered. “They’re always busy.”   
  
“Bloody…” Felix trailed off, pocketing his phone and sitting down next to Tom, who Matt swore hadn’t moved since he sat down. Like a statue, Tom had been completely still, his wide eyes staring up at the ceiling. Matt wondered what Tom was thinking about. 

“I can’t believe them,” Felix started up again, “they’d seriously leave Edd alone for weeks?”

“Mhm,” Matt hummed in affirmation, giving a weak nod. His eyes moved to the left to look at Tord, who was sitting about as still as Tom was. Occasionally, though, he’d look up at the television. It was almost impressive how imperceptible Tord was: his face gave nothing away. Even Matt had trouble reading him. Just like with Tom, Matt wondered how he was feeling.

The other three had come after Matt had called them. He needed to talk to someone about what had happened, and he figured that they had a right to know, anyway. To his surprise, everyone had come, even though the moon hung high in the sky, and most house lights had gone out. Matt thought about his own home, and how his parents were probably still in their room, peacefully asleep. His eyes watered a little, the feeling of longing to go back to his own room filling his chest. 

* * *

_ Scream. _

Matt could feel something in his throat as he saw one of the surgeons that took Edd at first come out. Donned in the typical light blue scrubs of a surgeon, his face was mostly blank. However, his lips were curled into the smallest of frowns. His brow furrowed as he approached the group. “Are you associated with Edd Gold?” He asked. When Matt nodded, he asked, “what are your relations to him?”   
  
“I’m his brother,” Felix replied. 

“And we’re his friends.” Matt waved his hand between himself, Tom, and Tord. The surgeon nodded and hummed. 

“And where are the parents?” He asked. 

“Out of town.” Felix let out a harsh sigh. “Working.”

“Mhm.” The surgeon nodded again. “Well, to start off, I’m Dr. Anderson.” He held his hand out, which everyone individually shook. Matt, not being able to stand the seemingly pleasant formalities, decided to address the elephant in the room. 

“How’s Edd doing?” Matt asked. The doctor cleared his throat. 

“Well...that’s why I’m out here. Uh..” Anderson looked at Felix. “May I speak with you for a moment?”   
  
“Wait, wait, wait,” Matt quickly interjected, “ _ just  _ him?”   
  
“Yes,” Anderson replied. Matt stood up. 

“I’m coming too,” he declared. 

“It’d be better to just have family hear the news first,” the doctor calmly replied. 

“Edd  _ is  _ family to me!” Matt suddenly yelled. He could feel the eyes of other people in the waiting room on him, but he continued, “he’s like a brother! If you’re telling  _ him _ something ,” Matt motioned to Felix with his hand, “ I want to know, too!” 

Dr. Anderson, not wanting to irritate the boy any more, simply sighed. “Alright. Follow me, then.” The three walked to a room near the ICU. When they entered it, Matt was slightly surprised to find a couch made out of some comfortable-looking material along with another comfortable-looking char across from it. “Please have a seat,” the doctor instructed, waving his hand toward the couch. Felix and Matt looked at each other before sitting down. Matt let out a soft sigh as he sunk into the cushions. This was much more comfortable than those shitty hospital chairs. The doctor sat across from them and folded his hands together. “I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

Suddenly, the initial comfort went away; it was replaced with a cold, daunting realization. It was like ice cold water had been splashed onto Matt, and the water had seeped into his skin and dug its way down into his core, freezing everything until he was numb. His leg began to bounce. Felix’s eyes were slightly wide. The doctor, now wearing an apologetic expression, continued. 

“Edd died during surgery.”

The silence that settled across the room after the news was torturous; Matt wouldn’t have wished it on anyone. No one deserved to feel this. As if a thick blanket had been forced on top of him, Matt could no longer breathe properly.

“You...You can’t be serious,” Matt heard Felix whisper out. Edd’s brother was staring at the doctor with wide, desperate eyes. “He can’t be dead. He  _ can’t  _ be.”   
  
“I’m afraid I am. He…lost too much blood. We tried everything in our power to keep him from losing more blood than he already had, but...it wasn’t enough.” 

Once again, the events from a few hours ago replayed in Matt’s mind. Opening Edd’s door, going to his room, finding his body...his eyes widened a little. Up until now, he hadn’t really thought about  _ why  _ there was even a knife in Edd in the first place. He had been so hung up on if Edd was going to be okay or not...he hadn’t even thought about the reason as to why they were here in the first place. Then, it dawned on him.

The front door wasn’t locked. However, the house was relatively neat from what Matt could recall; there was no evidence of an intrusion. Which meant —

Matt’s breath caught in his throat as he came to an inescapable conclusion: Edd had done this to himself. There was nothing else that could explain it. Was that why Edd had told him to stop when he tried to move him? Why the  _ fuck  _ would he want to die? What would make him feel like that? Why would he goes as far as to kill himself? Was it Matt’s fault?

In an instant, thousands of questions filled Matt’s head. He had tuned out Felix’s yelling as he told the doctor off, telling him that the staff could’ve done more; he had tuned out the doctor calmly explaining to him the steps that they took to try and save Edd’s life; he had tuned everything out except for his own thoughts. 

Matt would never see Edd again. The next time he went to school, he wouldn’t see that familiar green hoodie and humor-filled grin. He’d never hear the other’s stupid puns and lame jokes told in that hilariously monotonous voice again. He’d never get to see new drawings or projects he was working on. When times got tough, Edd wouldn’t be there for Matt to confide in and gain comfort from. Edd was just...gone. Never to return. And it was all Matt’s fault.

It had to be, right? After all, if he was faster, if he was smarter—maybe even if he was kinder—Edd would still be here. They wouldn’t be at the hospital at God-only-knows-what time. Matt wouldn’t be here, feeling like a hole had just been made in his heart. He rested his elbows on his knees and slowly buried his face his hands, his nails digging into his soft flesh and leaving pink, crescent moon-like indents into his skin. 

“Matt.” A voice broke through his thoughts. He felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. Looking up and to his right, he saw Felix looking at him with tear-filled eyes. “How are...how are you feeling?” He quietly followed up with. Matt bit his lip. How could he answer? There weren’t any words in any known language that could be put together to describe how he was feeling. There was no simple answer—hell, it didn’t even feel like there  _ was  _ an answer. So, he simply chose to shrug. Felix nodded and pulled away. He let out a sigh, slumping down. “...how are we gonna tell the others?” Again, Matt shrugged. Another sigh left Felix. 

“You can go out when you’re ready,” the doctor told them in a gentle tone. Felix, after wiping a tear from his eye, mumbled a, “thank you.” Meanwhile, Matt stayed silent. What could he say, anyway? 

* * *

_ Grief. _

Time seemed to past so quickly, yet so slowly. By the time Felix and Matt had left the room, 20 minutes had passed. When they rounded the corner into the waiting room, Tom shot up from his chair, while Tord simply stared at them with his wide, icy-blue eyes. Matt stared back at him for a moment before looking down. He gently rubbed his own shoulder as they met up at the chairs. 

“S-So what is it? How’s Edd?” Tom asked, his voice cracking a little. Matt sat next to Tord and put his head in his hands again. 

“He, uh…” Felix trailed off, trying to figure out how to tell Tom. Tom stared at him, biting his lip and wringing his hands together. Eventually, the silence became unbearable for Matt. He had already endured enough silence. A yell suddenly ripped through his throat.

“He’s  _ dead! _ ” Matt shouted, his voice breaking. He looked up at Tom and Felix, not caring about how they looked at him with such wide eyes and agape mouths. “He’s fucking  _ dead! _ He—He’s gone, and he’s never coming back!” 

Tom stayed silent for a moment. Matt could see Tom process it all before the stars in his eyes completely dimmed. “N-No…” He whimpered out softly. “No...no, no, no, no…” Matt watched the other crumple to the floor and run his hands through his hair before gripping it tightly. A few seconds later, Matt heard Tom began to sob. Yet again, a hole was ripped into his heart. The sobs were ugly, filled with true anguish. His body jolted up and down with every sob. Guilt pierced Matt’s heart as he watched Tom pathetically weep on the floor, curled up into a ball.

Maybe he was too harsh. Goddammit, he did it again. He was too harsh on someone and made them cry. How many times had he done that to Edd, he wondered? How many times had he hurt his best friend and unknowingly left him to suffer alone? He cursed softly, putting a hand on his face and digging his nails into his skin again. Then, he felt pressure being applied to his free hand. He felt fingers lock with his own, and he felt his hand being squeezed. He looked over to his left and saw Tord looking at their now connected hands. His lips were tightly pursed into a straight line. The only evidence that Tord was feeling anything were his wide eyes and small pupils.

Matt’s own eyes went wide in response. His lips parted a little. Looking down at his and Tord’s hands, he felt how bony and delicate—yet soft—Tord’s hand was compared to his. He sniffled and covered his nose and mouth, letting out a sob. Soon enough, more sobs began to follow, and the next thing he knew, he was an absolute mess. His arms had wrapped around Tord as he cried, finding slight solace in holding something close to himself. Tord silently held him back, one of his hands occasionally patting his back. His face was pressed up against the area between Matt’s shoulder and neck. 

Up to this point, Matt had been so sure of himself. He was very upfront about his confidence in his abilities to the point of it seeming like cockiness more than anything else. Even when he had seen his friend’s dying body, he was still sure that he’d get him to the hospital and he’d be okay. Prior to all of this, he had been sure that  _ everything  _ was okay. He was so sure that his friends were all mostly happy and content with themselves and their lives. He was so sure that  _ he  _ was happy, and that he always would be happy. He was so sure that life wouldn’t be cruel to him, and there’d be nothing that would shake him down. He was so sure that nothing would change. 

He wasn’t so sure now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Also this fic is kinda based off of I Was So Sure by Former Vandal lol it's a rlly good song


End file.
